Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
