i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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