I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
