So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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