and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
