dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize