I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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