My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
