OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize