oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
