dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
