I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
