Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
