i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
