Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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