I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
