how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
