Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize