i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
