My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
