She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
