She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize