I need to stop coming to work sober
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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