8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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