sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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