i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
