I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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