Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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