My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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