you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
