I murdered the dance floor call the cops
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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