Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
