Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I want you more than these girls want KFC
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
