How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
