life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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