I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
this just has baby written all over it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
