My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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