Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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