He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize