the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
