This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Girls should come with a carfax report
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
