I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
