and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize