you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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