I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
