I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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