woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
