Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
