Sry I called you an 8
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
