Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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