I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Pants are for mortals
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
