just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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