We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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