I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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