I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
