i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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