This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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