I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My vagina is officially offended.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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