I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
