Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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