Non-Jews are for practice
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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