Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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