pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
