her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
