You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
