I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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