You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
