she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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